The Lessons of Real LoveRelationship Advice: Dr. Barton Goldsmith

Posted by Blush Magazine Posted on January 24, 2013

Some couples find that, while it can be deceptively easy to get their relationships back on track after a normal disagreement, it’s much harder to keep it moving in that direction, especially when unexpected events derail us. It’s important to remember that even the most stable relationships experience turmoil. Difficulties and distractions are part of life, and they can’t help but have an effect on our relationships. Instead of being ignored or argued about, they should be confronted head-on, and with an eye toward the future.

Keeping a relationship balanced is an area where many people make major mistakes. Once couples begin to get back on course romantically, they need to remember that maintaining a satisfying relationship requires regular attention and upkeep in all areas. Truth is that all it really takes is ten minutes a day to “check in” with your partner. Just as a successful physical fitness program requires a lifelong commitment, when it comes to emotional fitness, it’s impossible to overstate the importance of regular relationship maintenance.

The “little” things can make a big difference. Focusing on integrating continuous positive behaviors into your overall lifestyle is paramount to maintaining a good and loving connection. Learning how to cope with major, but common challenges, like finances, kids, and even illness is a necessity. Once you incorporate relationship enhancing techniques like forgiveness, and begin to change the negative behaviors that cause problems in your relationship, your issues become manageable and your connection deeper.

While talking through problems doesn’t always take away the pain, communicating gently and effectively can help couples to avoid pitfalls that cause unnecessary issues from surfacing in the first place. Most successful couples have certain behaviors, skills and practices in common, and the most essential of all is communication. Couples must learn that communication is the most important thing in their relationship. If you don’t take the risk to speak what’s in your heart, it will become to heavy and your true feelings will leak out, and that usually happens in inappropriate ways.

When a couple is experiencing relationship difficulty, the journey toward healing can be so emotionally volatile that a person may lose the ability to identify what he or she is feeling. Hurt, pain, and anger begin to blend in our minds, but in fact they are very different emotions that need specialized care.

If you hurt each other, talk about it and make the appropriate apologies and adjustments so it doesn’t happen again. Just learning to say “I’m sorry” can be one of the most healing couples can do to reconnect. What most couples don’t know is that hurt, pain and anger are normal, natural and really can be milestones on the path to a healthy relationship.

Learning and practicing loves lessons will help you both be the best partner’s you can. It’s worth the effort because the rewards are a full heart and life.


All You Need Is LoveRelationship Advice: Dr. Barton Goldsmith

Posted by Blush Magazine Posted on July 24, 2012

Love can give you a ton of energy. It can help make the difference between wellness and continued illness, see you through an uncomfortable situation, or inspire you to get real creative. Unfortunately, it will not pay your bills or get you clean and sober. And it’s a mistake to believe that you can change someone else if only you love him or her enough. Love does heal, but only up to a point. You can’t solve someone else’s problems, and if you have an issue or dilemma, you can’t expect love or your lover to fix it. You have to step up and make the move to take care of yourself in whatever way is necessary. But love helps. So does knowledge, imagination, and hard work. Love is about the two of you sticking together through the rough patches and, once they are over, enjoying the fact that you are a great team. Now that’s bonding. I really think it takes two people to make one life. Getting through tough times is much easier if you do it as a couple. Many successful people will tell you that they could not have gotten to where they are without the one they love by their side.

Emotional support from a loved one can make a big difference in how we deal with the roller-coaster of life. We all have issues, and having that hand to hold can give us the strength we need to deal with them. If your relationship is on the rocks, or if love has eluded you, there is no time like the present to turn things around and make your heart full. Start by acting as if you feel the love, or mentally recall a time when you did. By conjuring up those feelings, you are also projecting them on to your partner or a potential one.

Giving your heart to someone only to have it handed back to you in pieces is about as painful as life gets. When your love is rebuffed or dishonored by a partner’s bad behavior, please remember that it is not your fault. Avoid saying to yourself, “If I only could have loved him or her more, this wouldn’t have happened.” In truth, you don’t have any control over how another person acts, and there’s no point in beating yourself up. If you are not happy with your current romantic circumstances, then it’s time to do something about it. It’s much easier to fix a broken relationship than to find a new one, so start looking at ways to make things better. Begin with an honest conversation about how you feel and see if the two of you can resolve to be nicer to each other. These actions will help you feel the love again.

If you are still looking, please give the Internet a try—it worked for us. And remember what John Lennon said, “The love you take is equal to the love you make.

*Named by Cosmopolitan Magazine as one of America’s top relationship experts, award-winning psychotherapist, syndicated columnist, and radio host Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized counsellor, author, and speaker.