People Are Not DisposableKeeping Old Friends Serves Us More Than We Know

Posted by Blush Magazine Posted on November 9, 2015

People Are Not Disposable

We live in a world where people—even those we once loved—are treated as if they were disposable. Without even talking about the issue, we move away from friends and family who disappoint us, and without so much as a goodbye, they are out of our lives.

I’m not saying that this an inappropriate response if someone has been abusing you. But being offended is different from being abused—and keep in mind that if your loved one did say something that ruffled your feathers, chances are he or she would be willing to apologize. If you just disappear without saying what went wrong, that person won’t have the chance to make up for the pain you felt and may still feel.

These days, instead of making the effort to work things out, people just stop returning texts and phone calls. This may be easier than telling someone the truth about how you feel and why, but it will not give you the peace of mind and assurance you are looking for.

When someone does something inappropriate, it can trigger many unpleasant feelings and memories, many of which may have nothing to do with that person. It’s as if all those negative vibes were in one mental filing cabinet that you push on top of anyone who hurts you. It’s called projection.

Rather than push away someone whom you’ve known for a long time or someone you love, letting him or her know that you’ve reached your limit can help that person change for the better, and it can save your relationship. You would be surprised by how many people can’t say they have old friends, because they have engaged in this disconnection pattern most of their lives, and it isn’t emotionally healthy.

Relationships and friendships take effort, and no one is perfect. Although it may be difficult for you to discuss your feelings with someone who has hurt you, and you may be scared to open the discussion, it is the only way to resolve your issues. A few well-chosen words and taking the time to listen to one another could easily save your friendship or your marriage.

People are not disposable. If you have ever had the experience of cutting someone out of your life, only to feel a great loss later on, you know what I mean. Family is everything, and for those who don’t have one, friends become that family. Having people in your life makes you feel stronger and validated. If you push them away, you will feel a loss as soon as your anger goes. It is much easier to hold on to positive feelings about the people in your life than to harbor negative ones. Walking around with anger and hurt in your heart does not make your life a better place to be.

So try some conversation before you say goodbye or stop texting. When you are upset, you may not realize the importance of old friends and loved ones, but in time, you always do.

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Valentine’s Day: How To Celebrate Your LoveValentine's Day: The Unconventional Way

Posted by Blush Magazine Posted on February 10, 2014

Valentine's Day: How To Celebrate Your Love

With Valentine’s Day only four days away we wanted to help all of you ladies and gents celebrate your love for one another. Much like any other special day of the year there are two ways to celebrate: The predictable flowers, chocolate and dinner OR the one that includes some extra effort. We chose the latter but don’t worry we will walk you through each one;

  • Decorate: We aren’t saying scrap out the flowers we actually think it’s still a MUST, but be creative ask the designer to create something unique. Instead of a dozen red roses, incorporate his or her favourite colors, flowers, or scents.  Include some crafty banners or LOVE signs. These can be made using craft items at your local craft store or purchased at a home & living boutique in your area.
  • Stationery: Every occasion requires a card but not a standard Hallmark card. Pick up a valentines card from your local stationery boutique/papery shop and write from the heart.
  • Dine: If you normally eat at home and cook dinner together than this would be a good opportunity to make reservations at a restaurant you’ve never been to and glam up for a change. If you normally eat out, this is a great day to find a recipe online, pick up the ingredients and cook a meal together.
  • Something Sweet: Instead of purchasing a cake you can bake your favourite dessert at home. Even if you choose to go out for dinner plan to bake something sweet together. Opting for something healthy: Strawberry Skewers!
  • Gift: By the time you have done some or all of the above we bet a gift is not required. After all, our greatest memories are made up of our experiences.
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We Can Work It OutRelationship Advice: Dr. Barton Goldsmith

Posted by Blush Magazine Posted on September 24, 2013

The Beatles were still in their twenties when they wrote “We Can Work It Out,” but somehow they understood that even though resolving issues can be hard, it is better than trashing a relationship, job or friendship. Here are ten tips Dr.Barton Goldsmith recommends to help you work things out.

1. When you’re having a difficult discussion, put your angry emotions aside. You can’t be logical when you’re mad. If you can’t contain your fire, it may be best to put talking on hold until after you calm down.

2. It’s not about who’s right or wrong. If you try to blame your partner or make him or her wrong, you won’t find an answer. You both have to take responsibility for getting your relationship back on a positive track.

3. Look for the high road and discuss what’s best for both of you. Don’t settle for anything less than equality and the knowledge that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your partner.

4. Be humble and don’t rub your partner’s nose in a misstep. If you gently share you feelings, whichever of you is the offending party will learn from his or her mistake much easier.

5. You can agree to disagree, but don’t settle for less than a complete acceptance of each other’s point of view. If you walk away disappointed, you have not resolved your issue. For a relationship to work, you both have to feel like you have your partner’s support.

6. Always have difficult conversations in private. If you have kids, you don’t want them to pick up the negativity; it can make them feel insecure. Remember that you can be heard behind closed doors, so keep the volume low and the vibe as calm as possible.

7. Before making a decision about how to handle a problem, make sure you consider all of your options. This requires some brainstorming and working together to create a positive solution. If done correctly, this process alone can heal the difficulty.

8. Don’t rush to judgment. You may not be able to come up with the best answers in the moment, so sleep on it before you decide on a course of action. If you still cannot reach a meeting of the minds, put the issue aside and look at it again in a few days.

9. Trust that you can find an answer that will work for both of you. Going into the discussion with an optimistic heart and mind will make working it out much easier.

10. Consolidate the gains of your discussion. Review out loud what you agreed upon, put it in writing if it helps, and then kiss and make up.

Most people avoid difficult conversations because they fear having an uncomfortable moment. I think a bad few minutes is better than an uncomfortable life. Truth is that couples who embrace the desire to work things out have the best relationships. Period.

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Is Love A ChoiceRelationship Advice: Dr. Barton Goldsmith

Posted by Blush Magazine Posted on August 24, 2013

Whereas I do believe that all behavior is a choice, some emotions—like love—are not. We may fall, like it or not, for some of the dumbest reasons, but love, as the poets say, can be blind. Scientists believe love is a DNA thing, where body chemistries connect through pheromones and such. A doctor once told me that love is all biochemistry, and we have no choice in it. Sometimes the pull is so strong, we stay in relationships that are unhealthy, and even though we know it, we can’t seem to make ourselves leave. This is why we may choose to stick it out with a partner who is not all that nice to us. He or she could lie, cheat, or steal from us, and somehow or another, we will once again open our hearts, perhaps only to get hurt again. It seems like we are living that old saying, “The devil you know is better than the one you don’t.” We may feel that we haven’t got a choice, but we always do.

There are times when you can’t really trust your emotions. Reality has to take its rightful place when you are considering whether to continue a potentially abusive relationship. You should think twice, recall your past with this person, and get some counseling if you think that any part of your relationship is unhealthy. Love can direct us to make decisions that we know are not right. At certain stages in our lives, if our parents or friends tell us that he or she isn’t the right person for us, we simply ignore the unwanted advice and let romantic love take over. Not an uncommon or horrible decision, but when the relationship sours and you hear the voices of all the naysayers in your head, it’s hard to avoid beating yourself up.

As adults, we need to give ourselves the chance to get to really know a person before making a commitment. Once we have made that commitment, we need to honor it, but if the relationship becomes a portal for negative outbursts, addiction, or abuse, it’s time to reevaluate and consider getting help or moving on. And yes, many times, things can be fixed or at least improved upon. Your partner may be venting some old inner pain or may be feeling the pressure of life to the extent where he or she inappropriately takes it out on you. Once past hurts are brought up and dealt with, many couples can rediscover their love and once again move forward.

I believe in love, but I also know that life can sometimes get in the way and we don’t always make the right choices. If this has happened to you, please don’t let it go unchecked. Look deeply into yourself, your relationship, and your loved one’s eyes and truly see where the two of you are as a couple.  Together you can make choices that will make both of your lives better.

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Reasons for Pre-Marital CounsellingRelationship Advice: Dr. Barton Goldsmith

Posted by Blush Magazine Posted on August 4, 2013

It’s June and wedding season is upon us. Whenever I am invited to a ceremony, I always wonder if the couple really talked about what their lives together would be like. Funny thing is, when you are wrapped up in the warm bliss of love, you sometimes forget to take a long hard look at the practical side. Most couples spend more time picking out a new car than they do preparing themselves for the biggest commitment of their lives. Marriage is not to be taken lightly, it is a very serious decision and you need to know everything you can about how you both view life before you decide to spend the rest of it together.

I highly recommend Pre-Marital Counseling because it answers many questions and helps you avoid potential problems. You are aware of how much you love your partner and how much you enjoy each other, but what about the potential pit falls? Have you discussed the important things like kids, and in-laws, where you will retire? Unfortunately, most couples don’t and that is how marital dreams become a wedded nightmare. Pre-Marital Counseling helps you get too know each other and yourself at a deeper level. The things that are important to you both will come to the surface and you will learn to talk about them in a positive way.

Finding a counsellor or mentor to help you discuss your future together is an important decision. There and many qualified Marriage and Family Therapists who are well trained in this area, or you can pick someone you know and respect to help guide you through learning more about each other in a non-threatening way.

It is a way to avoid potential problems in the future. If you find out that you do not agree on how you want to live together, you can overcome this problem without becoming disagreeable or surprising each other a year or two into your marriage. It will also help you learn how to ask questions and get your needs met. You need to discuss how you will live, where you spend holidays and what matters to both of you. You will learn to create a “we” from an “I” and how to best make practical decisions about your future together.

Pre-Marital Counselling also helps you understand the business side of your relationship. The number one reason for divorce are financial issues, you have to get together on how you will handle money matters. Most couples think that it will just all work out, and sometimes that happens, but what if one of you loses your job or has to move to keep the one you have? These are important things to look at before they happen so that you know where you stand and have agreed on how to handle these types of issues if and when they arise. Another reason to look into pre-marital counseling is because divorce is a lot more expensive than counseling. Think of it as an investment in your future happiness.

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